Wow. I finished a role of toilet paper tonight because I've cried so much. About what? Nothing in particular, but then again, just about everything. I watched this adorable documentary about a married Down syndrome couple...aaaand it was all down hill (or up?) from there with the crying, being pregnant, missing my husband, blah, blah, blah. So, may I indulge?
I've felt so selfish lately. Probably the most selfish I've ever felt, or realized I am, in my entire life. I hate even writing this on here, but so much of me has recently longed for it to just be me and B forever. And ever. And ever. And then I feel the baby kick me in the rib. "Too late, mom." I know, I know. Nervous laugh. Or at least, I'm starting to know. The bright side is that parenthood isn't an eternal identity thing, it's just a calling for a period of life. I'm going to be B's wife even after parenthood ends though. :)
Am I terrible? Is it terrible that I just wrote that? I just want to savor one last day trip alone with my husband without thinking about carseats and meal plans and who's watching my kid. I think yesterday morning could very well have been the last morning B and I got to sleep in together for who knows how long. He's been working so much, and we have opposite schedules a lot....so the next eight weeks are pretty much shot. Oh, it's coming so fast.
Well, now that I've showed you guys in words what a terrible mom I'm going to be (haha...it's ok, you can laugh with me), let me remind you that there is HOPE! Not in Lexy, no, not in me. In JESUS. And HIS grace. It's only by His presence in my life that I EVER have the ability to put these feelings aside, except for nights like tonight, nights that are luckily far and few between. Don't put your hope in me as a parent, in B as a dad, in the two of us as a married couple. No, please don't. You'll be let down all too fast. I only hope you can see little slivers of Christ through all of those different aspects of our life and rejoice in the progressive growth in Christ we get to experience.
On a lighter note, anyone else out there think I look like my own momma in this picture? :)
I am so lame that I can't figure out how to turn this picture to the side. hahahaha I was made for the typewriter, not the computer. It's up and down in my file, but won't upload that way. I was trying to upload it to Facebook all night last night and today, but it just wouldn't for some reason. Oh well. :)