One blessed baby.

You know what I realized today while walking around the library with my sweet boys?

Ari has something half the kids around the world don't have. He's blessed in a way that lots of little boys aren't.

He gets to live under the same roof as his daddy. And, even better, his daddy is still married to his mom.

I have no idea the of the full impact our relationship as present parents and our marriage makes on this kid. I think God is the only one that truly gets the importance since He designed us that way. I totally understand that God works in spite of broken families, acting as a perfect heavenly Father to children who never get to see their father. But man, what a special blessing God has already poured out on Ari by giving him to a family living together under one roof, while attempting to glorify Him. I feel very thankful for this today. Thank you, B, for sticking it out with us. ;) We love you, daddy!

xoxo

Psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I've held on to this verse over the last few years as God has taken me in several different directions with my love of writing. Since I was first learning to write in kindergarten I truly, truly loved the art. I still communicate much better through pen and paper than I do verbally.

My senior year in college I really explored what it looked like to be an artist in the realm of writing, but being a Christian first. I think so many artists identify with their artistic side before identifying with Christ, and I honestly didn't want to do that. As weird as it may sound to some, writing (or art in general) can totally be an idol. It also puts you in a vulnerable spot when you share essays, poems, and thoughts about what God's teaching you. It's a love hate relationship, as anything worth pursuing is. So, when I decided to blog, I really wanted God to do His work through words He gives me. And I've been encouraged to hear some of you over the last year or so talk about how this blog has changed you in some way, usually, hopefully, prayerfully, for good. This blog is meeting God's purposes and plans if it's making my readers more like Him in some way.

With all that to be said, God shows me over and over again that if I continue to delight myself in Him, HE - the Holy Spirit - inspires more words, more creativity, more ideas. God is my muse. His Word fuels my ideas. If anyone would ask me these last few years what my dream job would be, I would say something like, "Being a stay at home mom and getting to write about what God shows me in my life and family."

And guess what? As I've really tried to pursue God's purposes for how writing should fit into my life, and not shying away from using the gifts He's given me, He's dropping the coolest opportunity right in my lap!

Dianne Jago is a blogging friend I've gotten to know over the last year. We were both pregnant at the same time and I know God used both of our blogs in each other's life to encourage and teach one another. As much as I act like I despise technology at times, her blog is one reason I KNOW God uses modern technology to teach others, and one reason I see hope in continuing on with my own blog.

So, this opportunity I'm talking about? I'm getting there. haha

A few weeks ago I got a message from Dianne asking if I'd like to contribute to her new project, Deeply Rooted Magazine. As I read her thoughts and descriptions of what she was feeling God call her to do with this publication, I was bursting with excitement! Seriously, ask B. I don't think I've stopped talking about it since then. ;) haha I was up all night thinking about how cool it is that God allowed me to meet this friend through the internet, form this encouraging relationship, and then get to create art in a way that glorifies HIM through it! It truly is a desire of mine to encourage other women, moms, and wives through God's divine words and what He's taught me, in a vibrant and creative way. And now I get to!

Check out the above link to get more info on the publication. Please be in prayer for us as we work on this project. Pray that God would be shown in each article. Pray that the group of artists working on this publication are about HIS glory, and not our own. Also, pray that God would bring another great, Christian photographer to Utah to work with me, since Gregory Woodman is peacing out pretty soon. :( haha

Again, I am just so thankful that we have a creative God who WANTS us to create out of worship of Him!! So fun!! I hope this encourages some of you to delight in Him through whatever means of creativity He has gifted you with. :)

xoxo

Where have I been?

I've caught a cold most recently. Usually when you catch a cold that means you spend some time laying low. Drinking tea, not leaving the couch, making soups of various kinds...we all have fallen bodies, so everyone knows what this looks like.

On a more spiritual level, I feel like I'm caught a cold. Or maybe my eyes have just finally been opened to the disease, the sin, the sickness I've still got to deal with inside of my heart, and the grace God gives to cure and soothe.

So where have I been? Literally, spiritually, and emotionally?

Laying low. Spending lots of time talking to God. Listening to (and I won't lie, often arguing with) God. Reading the Word. Lots of time at home relearning and learning for the first time about lots of things. Grace. Being a mom. Still being a wife. Being human. Being broken, but made new.

Photo of me taken by my talented husband. :) I thought it was appropriate given the topic. ;)

With all this reflecting in my life comes a very relevant question to think about when you write publically.

How much is too much? What's okay to share for the sake of encouraging others? (which I hope you know is the goal of this blog, to push you towards holiness and Jesus) And what is just too much? How much honesty really is just gossip and breaks trust in relationships? What are the secret things God shows just me? Just my husband and me? Just my family?

These are all things I've been thinking about and trying to sort out, so be patient with me as I go. :)

I remember pondering this question about honesty in a memoir writing class I took in college. I've since seen other bloggers happen upon the same struggle. And here I am. Silent out of fear? Or respect? I'm still not sure. Yet again, like every single day these days, I find myself falling short of being able to find the answer to this question, among many others. I find my words falling short as I realize how little answers I actually have to things. But God's got something in the works. :) Like He always does.

I think He's providing an outlet for me to share with gentle honesty many of these things in an even more public way. A fellow blogger friend of mine, Dianne, has asked me to be a part of a collaborative team for a project she feels like God has been calling her to create. I don't want to give too many details just yet, but I'm excited that God is opening up yet another outlet for me to write and share the things He's teaching me.

Sigh.

With all of this to be say, pray for me as I'm in a deeeeep, but gooood season of reflecting. :)

xoxo

My reason to write.

God told me to stop all the organizing for our garage sale and instead sit down with my laptop and write. Why? Because of this verse I've been pondering all week.

 

 

"'Go...tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.'" Mark 5:19

 

I keep this in my commonplace to remind myself of why I keep notes, why I journal, why I write down most of my prayers. There are several verses where God charges His people to tell the next generation about His faithfulness to them. I guess that's what I'm doing with all my journals. But today I just want to share how God's been faithful to me in my prayers for my husband and marriage.

 

 

A few months before I got married I bought a prayer journal. This has been the single most important tool in my life and marriage, next to the Bible. Every day of the month it gives you something different to pray for your husband, children, and yourself. The morning is my favorite time of the day, as I'm sure most of you know. I loooove getting up extra early before everyone else to sip on some coffee, read my Bible, and journal in the quiet. I covet this quiet time. I'm a creature of habit, and I believe God at His word when He says He shows Himself to those who seek Him. As a new mom, I've really been having to fight against my flesh and get up extra early before Ari to do this. But God has been faithful to me. And that's more of what I want to write about today.

 

 

Wives, do you realize how important prayer is to your marriage? Do you BELIEVE it is the weapon of choice God has given you in the battleground that our families and relationships sometimes turn into?

 

"...as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening." 1 Peter 3:6

 

This verse has often used comforted me in my marriage. The context of this verse is dealing with submission in marriage. Submission is scary. God never says it's easy. That's why the Holy Spirit is saying "do not fear anything that is frightening" right here.  Pastor Jeremy taught on this the week before we were married, and it has always stuck with me. Submission can be frightening when you watch your spouse screw up, lie, confess a sin they struggle with over, and over again, are not good stewards of different aspects of their life, and yet ask you to to come alongside the decisions and leadings they feel is appropriate for your lives and family. Submitting to another sinner really is one of the most terrifying things you can do, and it's something I've not always (if ever have) been good at doing.

 

So, what do we use in battle against our fears as a wife?

 

Prayer.

 

Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray! Pray! I really can't stress this enough.

 

I have a note at the bottom of one of the pages in my prayer journal that says something along the lines of, "I need to stop nagging, start praying, and let the Holy Spirit do the nagging."

 

Wives, don't stop praying for that specific area of weakness that you see and nobody else does in your husband's life. Go to God in your moments of fear and keep on praying. Pray for his mind, body, and heart. Pray the reflection of Jesus into his life. Pray, pray, pray until you see the future glory of your husband (which you won't ever see on this side of heaven, so...pray some more). Pray for the Holy Spirit to empower him to be more like Christ in every single area of his life. Pray that you keep your mouth shut and entrust your husband to the Lord.

 

I know how hard this is. I've been so fearful lately in some specific areas of our marriage. I know I've failed to pray about it as much as I should, but God's given me a taste of the sweet fruit of my feeble prayers these last few days. And what reaction has it caused in my heart?

 

I rejoice at wanting to submit to a husband that God I see God working in! I find the future, Christ-likeness the Holy Spirit is cultivating in my husband as the most attractive thing about him, and it makes me want to be more conformed into the image of Christ too!

 

(Here's a little secret for husbands: admiting your need for a Savior verbally to your wife, in private, often, and as a normal part of your relationships is one of the most attractive things you can do. Why? Because it shows humility, and we desire to follow a humble leader we see the evidence of Christ in. You don't have to act like you have it all together and don't need someone to lead you. We know that's not true. If it were, there probably wouldn't be as many dirty dishes and laundry left around my house. There wouldn't be the silence and fear a wife feels after her husband makes a final decision.)

 

So ladies, where's your hope? Is it in your nagging voice that makes your husband want to campout on the roof (Proverbs 21:9)? Or is it in Jesus Christ, who's voice commands even the wind and waves (Luke 8:24)? Call on our Helper, the Holy Spirit, to help make you a better helper for your husband, the helper God is calling you to be, always giving your husband strength through your prayers. This is the best gift a wife can ever give to her husband. Ask God to renew your mind to believe this truth. 

 

xoxo

 

 

 



A command.

"Be still, and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

If you're like me (which you are), then you're work oriented. You tend to either view this verse as a command that must be followed, or you view it as an excuse to make guilt free quiet time while the dishes and laundry pile up. Tonight B is out, and it's just me and Ari at home, so I took some quiet time to reflect, read, and write. This is an excerpt taken from my notebook:

"I feel like I finally started paying attention more when I became a mom. I don't even want to take my eyes off the yellow-white light flickering through the papery tree leaves long enough to write this.

I guess I want to redeem every fleeting second I have with Ari. I want to remember every facial expression, memorize each movement of his eye brows, each new sound he delights in making. I feel like I want to immortalize each moment I spend with him.

I remember reading some trascendentalist in college who talked about seeing the world the way Adam did, everything captivating and so new for the very first time. I watch Ari look at the world that way amd it fills me with longing. It's almost like he sees the shards of perfection left in the world from the Fall. He's still amazed by the aspen's leaves in our yard each time we come out here. For two years now I've acted like this thing doesn't even exist anymore. That's how little I pay attention to it.

Seeing the way my little boy is exploring the world for the very first time gives me a desire to look at it with renewed eyes. Ari sees the genius of the Creator of the different textures of leaves, the very Creator who I seem to have forgotten about."

"It is my own believe (and here I shall not feel bad if no one follows me) that every good and beautiful thing which man has produced in the world has been the result of his faulty and sin-blocked response to the creative Voice sounding over the earth. The moral philosophers who dreamed their high dreams of virtue, the religious thinkers who speculated about God and immortality, the poets and artists who created out of common stuff pure and lasting beauty: How can we explain them? It is not enough to say simply, 'It was genius.'

What then is genius? Could it be that a genius is a man haunted by the speaking Voice, laboring and striving like one possessed to achieve ends which he only vaguely understands? "

-A.W. Tozer in 'The Pursuit of God' (pgs 74-5)

 It's a heavenly perspective that gives us a greater appreciation for any creation or art.

Maybe Ari is still young enough, "sheltered" enough, or set apart from the world in such a way that he's being allowed time to cultivate this heavenly perspective. I don't know what it is, but almost every single time I pluck up any energy to pursue creative writing and cultivating inspiration for creating I get sucked into this thought that it's all vanity. That immediately kills any creative juices I got flowing.

After a quick conversation with a fellow artist this evening, I was reminded that it's actually selfish to not put time and effort into cultivating creativity so I have something to share with others. I totally view writing, music, art, and any other medium as creative gifts given straight from God. If that's the case, then it's my job to cultivate that gift in such a way that builds others up. I'd really be bummed today if I didn't have all the books C.S. Lewis wrote on my shelves because he put down the pen after hearing, "It's all vanity!" whispered in his ear. I know of a few people off the top of my head that wouldn't be Christians if he had never picked up a pen! How crazy is that!? It's heavy, actually. It means my words can actually make an impact for the Kingdom. Heavy stuff.

And with those thoughts, I post this piece in faith that God is using this blog to speak to someone tonight.

xoxo

P.S. I find it helpful to find out what another writer or artist has been reading, watching, eating, listening to, etc to be creatively filled up, so I think I'll start sharing that with you guys. Tonight I was thumbing through an old favorite on art and faith, Walking on Water, as well as The Pursuit of God, which I can honestly say is one of the most challenging books I have ever read. And I read lots of books.

On the menu for this evening: whole wheat crackers, provolone cheese, and homemade nutter butters. Happy snacking and writing! ;)


  

Life from my view these days. :)

Ari definately doesn't have his days and nights switched anymore, praise Jesus! But this means he's up a lot more during the day...during laundry time, mommy's nap time, shower time, and today it's been around the time I try to get dinner together. This is the first day we haven't had somebody bring us a meal and I was ready to get back to cooking! I missed it! Anyways, Ari suddenly decided that he'd spend his 45 minute awake time screaming. Haaaaa! I knew that was going to make for an extra loooong naptime.

It truly is amazing to me how the love you have for your kids as a parent covers all the crazy annoying things they do...like scream in your face for half an hour as you desperately attempt to dig into the mountain of dirty dishes, boil some water for quinoa, clean the bottles....

But after a few minutes of singing Jesus Loves You and cuddling him close to me in the baby carrier, he was out. :) Until his head hit the crib, of course. haha And that's where he is loudly waiting out naptime until the next time he eats. (And don't you worry...mommy is checking on him and kissing him lots in between frantic wails. haha) Poor little guy. At least I can almost guarantee quite a bit of sleep for the both of us tonight.

On a bit of a heavier note, please keep my parents and brother in your prayers. They live in Colorado Springs and are most likely going to be evacuated any minute due to the wildfires. They are coming in to town this weekend, but pray for protection, safety, wisdom on what to take and how to prepare for evacuation, as well as strength to walk through this crazy time in a Christ-like way.

I had this verse on my mind earlier today and was wondering why. When my mom called me pretty upset (she said buildings were catching fire and blowing up around them) I knew why, so I shared it with her.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

Isaiah 43:2

Pray for all of Colorado Springs and the churches in the area that are reaching out to shelter and minister to families. Jesus really is our everything.

xoxo

God's sovereignty over our hormones.

It's getting up in the 80's this weekend. And fun pregnancy hormones really crank up the sweat glands.

 

 

70 feels like 90 when you're pregnant. I'm very, very thankful for the maternity shorts a friend of mine passed along. ;)

 

 

There's our boy! I still don't fully understand it, how life is going to change and look. Don't know if I will until he's actually here. You'd think maybe it would have sunk in by now...since I'm between 38 and 39 weeks....and ya know, he could technically decide to move in (as an 18 year house guest) at anytime.

 

You know what people failed to mention about nesting? The terrible, hormonal, don't-want-to-share-my-hubby-or-baby-with-anyone nesting that sets in. The territorial madness and paranoia that take over. I think it's nesting on hormonal steroids. haha That's where all the random crying comes in to play being pregnant this far along. I will share a bit of honesty: I've been scared out of my mind of having postpartum for a while now. Many months. And many long nights I've been up in staggering fear thinking about it. I've been fearing my husband ever liking me after this baby is born, ever wanting to stick around to be with us, ever feeling like a normal human again, ever....ya know, the list goes on and on, however logical or (very often) NOT logical. Us pregnant people do understand that, ya know. We aren't logical. We know that. But you still can't help the feelings that occur. So, what do you do?

 

God's Word is always a good place to turn. :) I seriously was so encouraged by it this week and experienced the power it has in my life. I feel like people have just been telling me these ups and downs are part of hormones and you have to deal with it, in part aiding me in jusitifying totally sinful behaviors. "I can be mad all night and ruin everything because I'm hungry and pregnant and can't control my hormones and my husband rushed me out of the house...so let me ruin the whole plan for everyone. Everyone pays because my silly husband knocked me up!" Nope.

 

"...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

 

God is sovereign and in control of my hormones. My hormones do not control me. I do not have to fear because God has given me a spirit of power. I can take my thoughts captive and meditate on His truth.

 

Freeing. This truth quickly dried up tears in the middle of what could have been a (totally justified...but we won't go there) hysterical crying fit. And it has been helping me all week when my thoughts go towards the dark, fear filled corners of my mind.

 

So ladies, any of you ladies of any age and in any particular chapter of life, don't give in to the lie that your hormones have the final say. Because they don't. God does. He always has and always will. He is the creator of our bodies, including our hormones, and I totally, totally believe He has the power to intervene when things get emotionally crazy in our minds and hearts because of physical issues.

 

Also, did you notice the words self-control? There's some responsibility right there. We don't get a justified bad mood day, week, year, or life because our hormones are out of balance. God provides grace for that. Take it. And He will help you with the responsibilities He's called us to.

 

Next time you start to create an entire backstory as to why you have every right to be bitter towards your husband all night or a co-worker, sibling, whoever your "hormones" choose as their victim, remember: God has given us a spirit of self-control. I really say this in love, as I've been experiencing the freedom from my sinful emotions these last few days, whether I always look it on the outside or not, and I want you to experience that freedom too. I can go out on what could be our last date before the baby comes with my husband tonight without feeling angry or totally scared that we will never, EVER be able to do such a thing again. And who knows, maybe we won't. But God still reigns and I don't have to ruin what could be my last date ever with my gorgeous hubby. ;)

 

xoxo



Longings.

There has been so much going on in my life and the lives of those around me lately that I can't help but long for heaven a little more and watch others do the same.

 

 

My super sweet Secret Sister got this book for me last Sunday. I've felt blessed (spoiled) all week. I had almost an entire day to myself to hang out at a coffee shop and drink chais on one of the coldest days this week, some awesome prayer time with a good, good friend, jumping in to this book, and then my very first massage! Anyways, I've been meditating on a prayer from this book all week. God is so good and I've seen Him very present in my every day this week.

 

 

Longings after God

My dear Lord, I can but tell Thee that Thou knowest I long for nothing but Thyself, nothing but holiness, nothing but union with Thy will. Thou hast given me these desires, and thou alone canst give me the thing desired. My soul longs for communion with Thee, for mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. How precious it is to have a tender sense and clear apprehension of the mystery of godliness, of true holiness! What a blessedness to be like Thee as much as it is possible for a creature to be like its creator! Lord, give me more of Thy likeness; enlarge my soul to contain fullness of holiness; engage me to live more for Thee. Help me to be less pleased with my spiritual experiences, and when I feel at ease after sweet communings, teach me it is far too little I know and do. Blessed Lord, let me climb up near to Thee, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle with Thee, and pant for deliverance from the body of sin, for my heart is wandering and lifeless, and my soul mourns to think it should ever lose sight of its beloved. Wrap my life in divine love, and keep me ever desiring Thee, always humble and resigned to Thy will, more fixed on Thyself, that I may be more fitted for doing and-suffering. 

We really can't experience God and stay the same. He has to enlarge our souls for holiness to take root. That's been a prayer of mine this week, and it reminded me of Psalms 119 (one of my absolute favorite Psalms on the Word of God!).

"I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!" Psalm 119:32

God must do some work in us to give us the ability to follow His commands. This work is the enlarging of our hearts, our weak, tiny, Grinch-like hearts.

So, thank you to my Secret Sister, whoever you are! If you see this, you totally helped encourage me in my prayer life this week. :)

xoxo

Quiet times.

B finished up this semester a few days ago. He's taking a break for a while with baby coming soon. I'm done with most stuff at work, and I have only one more stop to make at Babies R Us this afternoon then I'm DONE with all my running around related to baby. I think this is the real nesting setting in. The sitting at home, enjoying an always-messy-but-lived-in look this place has going on with all the adjustments to baby things: high chair, children's books, monitors glowing from the corner of the room. This is crazy, guys. :) But I feel a sense of quiet and peace after these last few crazy weeks. I'm really, really trying to be patient and wait on God's timing for this kid to be born. Only three weeks left to go. Keep praying for health and safety for us! God's taught me to let go of soooo many things during this pregnancy: an abundance of riches and a birth plan only include a few of them. haha

All that to be said, we were able to get out and enjoy the beautiful, golden Utah air up in the canyon Sunday night. We got out and went on a little hike (that I had to convince B to let me go on). It's my favorite hike around, 36 weeks pregnant or not pregnant, because it really is the easiest, and in my opinion, the prettiest. Wheeler Canyon opens up to a pretty field. Oh, I just love it!

Our friend Greg brought along his new camera and snapped some adorable pics. haha (Thanks for blessing us with your creativity!) All the guys that went with us were very patient with me as I slowly hopped down rocky hills and hobbled through part of the stream. It was so much fun!

I told them a secret...I couldn't remember when the last time I had washed my hair was. ;) But you can't tell....................riiiight? haha

The guys were snapping pictures of everything. The air truly was golden as we hiked higher up and looked back down. I love that natural gold color. Even when we got home last night from our (maybe last) dessert date before baby comes, our house was filled with that same golden hue as the sun was going down. I just love it! So much that I wrote a poem about it once....here it is:

this iridescent hour 

gold light filters through white, wooden blinds

a mist of stars

 hanging in the air

this is the light housewives have worked by

for many, many centuries

and i am home, sick

partaking in this iridescent hour

 

-feb. 22, 2012

(Side note: It's scary to share poetry, no matter what context it's in. ;) Thanks for reading and letting me do it a little more often.)

I think it was B who made this comment as we kept hiking and everyone was taking pictures.

"God really must love photographers..."

That really made me stop and think. It's true! He must love them! He must love the absolute joy they take in HIS creations, snapping picture after picture, making God feel proud and desrving of the glory He gets in those moments. I've been thinking about that all week. I sometimes overlook how art really can relate to my Christian walk, and abandon my pen and any other artform I practice in the midst of the busyness of life. Maybe sometimes I just need to get out and hike with my camera as an act of worship to God, thanking Him for creating that unique, golden hue that can only be found in nature.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy some of the sights we got to see.

xoxo

P.S. Did anyone hear the news that we have a baby due THIS month?? Whaaa whaaat? Crazy sauce! :D

"Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"

Note: This post is heavy on God's Word today. He has so many better things to say than I do, so I've been soaking it up this week. Hope it encourages someone else out there.

 

Tough question, Job. Very tough question. One I've been wrestling with for over a week now as I've watched very close friends grieve.

A verse that kept coming to my mind was Isaiah 42:2.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall now overwhelm you..."

It rained a lot last week, which can alter my mood any day, but specifically on the days when all I seem to do is question. I had coffee with a friend this week, and afterwards she reminded me of a poem I wrote a while ago.

The First Rain: 40 Days of Grieving 

Grief,

Caused by sounds, screams,

Others out there,

With their deaf hearts and ears,

Their living breath almost gone,

And you, in here.  

Trust, it is His reign. 

Precipitation, pounding, drowning,

Punishment upon punishment.

Shouts distance, fade

Judgment has won

Yet doubt appears:

Is justice this mysterious? 

Trust, it is His reign.

 

*Written spring of 2012

As you can see, there was lots of water on my mind this last week. Thank God for the warmth and sunshine we've had the last few days, especially today. When my daisy sprouted this week, it reminded me of Isaiah again, and then something else...

Not only does it take sunlight for growth in plants, but it takes lots and lots of water. The directions for these window plants actually say, "water generously." Wow. Do we think God is being generous to us when He allows the rainwaters to fall in our life, to the point where we feel like we're drowning in rivers of injustice? Do we trust He is reigning when He brings tumultuous downpour?

Then I read this passage this morning from Psalm 43:3-5:

"Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, o God, my God.

Why are you downcast, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

The note I sprawled in the margin beside this passage in my Bible was as follows:

"God can take our dark questions about life. He isn't scared of them. His response is sending out His light and truth to lead us in the darkness."

I can say I've seen God's Word truly lead my friends through darkness this week. God is the best leader ever. That's weird for me even to write now or think about, but it's true. He has the best strategy anyone could have as a leader: sending light and truth to us in our darkness. He sent Jesus. He sends His Holy Spirit. He uses His Word to guide us through fear.

God is SO big and powerful that He doesn't fear us questioning Him. He allows the rainwaters, rivers, and darkness to consume us, so He can lead us in His marvelous light, proving He alond is sufficient. It is a lie Satan wants us to believe when we think, out of not wanting to hurt God's feelings or whatever, we can't go to God with our deepest questions and doubts. Satan wants to stop open communication and block a venue for God to be able to prove Himself faithful to us. Don't let that happen. Be truthful with God so He can lead you in His truth.

Anyways, there are all of my ramblings and thoughts I just know you've been missing for the last week. ;) I'm praying God speaks to you somehow through it. Thanks for letting me share, readers!

xoxo

This baby's daddy.

I'm thankful for this baby's daddy.

And all the other godly daddies he gets to grow up around.

I'm thankful for these men who God has placed in my son's life already because they all know Jesus is the only thing we have to hold on to in this life. He is all we need. And because of that, I am fully confident my son will be equipped with everything he needs to grow up into a man of true masculinity, a man who is fully reliant on Christ.

"So, does this thing come with directions?" he says as he pulls the carseat out of the box.

"I don't know. I've never done this before."

"I figured you just know everything about babies."

Little does he know...;)

God can't give us moms everything there is to know about His kids He gives us to raise, or else we'd never have to rely on Him. What a scary place that would be. I've felt the fear and weight of giving birth and having a family this week in a very real and close to home way. But I also know the only safe place to quench that fear is at the feet of Jesus.

I'm thankful my husband, and the men in the body of Christ we have been placed in, know this same secret. They don't fear looking weak when placing their only true hope in Jesus. They trust, walk in truth by the Holy Spirit, and experience God's promises come to life. Those are the marks of a true man, and I'm praying these things for my little boy.

xoxo

In response to the Boston bombing: What am I called to do?

There are two things I know God has not given me a mind for: money and politics.

It truly is embarrassing how little I know about politics, especially coming from a military family. Terrorism and war have always been close to home, literally. We were stationed in D.C. when September 11th happened. We had friends die at the Pentagon. My dad has been deployed a couple of times. I can remember being curled up in a warm blanket in the back of one of my parent's friend's trucks on the flight line in New Mexico as we watched the stealths take off for the mission that would result in the first bomb being dropped on Saddam Hussein's palace. My friend's dad was the pilot who dropped the bomb. At one point, the flag that flew on that mission with the pilots was actually in my dad's possession.

I say that so you know I'm not disconnecting myself from everything that happened today. As I write this and process what I feel called to do in this time I feel I need to inform myself with God's word in light of the perspectives I grew up with. Since I really don't grasp politics like many around me do, I fall back on the one truth I can stand on.

First off, we've all seen the many comments about today. They're the same things people say when any tragedy happens. "The world is so screwed up." "People are evil." "Why are people so broken?" "Where is God? And why does He let this stuff happen?"

I am in no way about to tackle that huge topic of God being in control over all things and why the problem of evil exists (because that's another thing God hasn't really given me a mind for...philosophy. If you want details on that stuff, you should have coffee with my hubby. He gets it much better than I do.) I do want to share the verse God put on my heart as soon as I logged on to Facebook this afternoon and saw all the comments.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

The Lord is close...He is near. He saves the crushed.

These are two things everyone needs to remember today. I sometimes wonder if days like today are when we allow God nearest to us as a country.

It was a very unusual train of thought for me to have, but after posting that verse my thoughts immediately turned towards the President and all the stress he's probably under today. I felt a heavy burden for him and prayed for him.

And here's where I may get a little controversial.

I took this note down in my commonplace this year on the 21st of January, the day of the inauguration.

"Thinking of King Darius and Artaxerxes in Ezra and today's inauguration makes me wonder what would happen if we really prayed for our President and government leaders like we're called to. Would they want and support, even provide for our religious freedoms and practices like they did in the book of Ezra? True, I have no faith in the President apart from God, who turns the hearts of kings..."

These thoughts quickly returned to me again today as I realized the President will probably get tons of flack over the next few weeks and months about any decisions made regarding today. Any President is in the spotlight for these sort of critiques, not just the current one. I can't even begin to imagine being in the place where I have an entire country to steward. So, what am I called to do in light of today's events, evil in this country and world, and a President and government leadership that I may or may not agree with?

"First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings (presidents) and all who are in high positions..." 1 Timothy 2:1&2

Maybe I'm dumb, but it's that simple for me. I don't have to pick a political side to support to do this. I'm just called to pray and be thankful for the leadership God has placed over me in this country. Is that a challenge for you? It is for me. Be thankful? What does that even look like? I have no clue, but God calls me to it, so I believe He will show me what that looks like. The first thing I want to do is cast judgment, which is the exact opposite of what God calls us to do (Matthew 7:1). Vengeance and judgment belong to the Lord alone (Romans 12:19). But do I believe this enough to humbly lay down my political beliefs and trade them in for the belief that God has called me to pray for my leaders?

If you're feeling like that is sooooo not going to happen, ask God for help. He's calling you to it. He can provide for you to do it. Pray for the President and all his decision making teams as well as the government in Boston and Massachusetts and all the other government leaders who will be involved in this aftermath.

Again, my prayers are with those involved in today's tragic events and the leaders who are making decisions on how to deal with them. God is most near to them now.

xoxo

P.S. Please note that I am in no way claiming to be a theologian or a political genius. I just wanted to share some of God's truth that was laid on my heart. You can take God's Word to the bank, even if you forget every single one of my opinions or comments, and please do. haha

A breakfast I think Edith Schaeffer would appreciate.

B got to stay home with me again this morning for breakfast. Since I'm on Spring Break and have nothing other than tons of cleaning and organizing to get done this week, you better believe I took the opportunity to make this super easy Dutch Baby Pancake. I love this recipe because it truly was so easy, and you could add any fruit or topping you have. I also used half whole wheat to boost the protein. I was so happy when I opened the oven to see the tall wall of Dutch pancake that I unknowingly created. I forgot how beautiful it would look once cooked!

While cooking it I was thinking about Edith Schaeffer. Specifically, I was thinking about the few recipes she shared in one of her books that were just as easy as this one.

I've talked about Mrs. Schaeffer and all her wonderfully creative books before. She truly is one of those Proverbs 31 women I look up to as a young wife and soon to be mom. It's amazing to me how many times I've actually been made fun of by brothers and sisters in Christ for absolutely loving being so homeward focused (while still working part time) and serving my husband. Yes, I do iron his clothes for him every Sunday night, even if it doesn't look like it by the time he gets to worship practice in the morning, and I do because God has given me a heart that finds joy in serving and helping my husband. One of the best gifts my husband can ever given to me is when I hear him sigh when he comes home from work or a long day of meetings and say, "I love being home." Mrs. Schaeffer greatly encouraged me in finding my God-given role as a homemaker through her writing. One topic I could go on and on about is art and Christianity, and she writes about that often as well, as the while keeping Jesus at the center of everything. That is so, so important, and she manages to do it, and do it well. So well that the Lord gave her 98 year to serve Him and others through her giftings on this earth!! I was so happy to see that number 98 pop up on the article announcing her death. 98 full years her on this earth, and I know she's dancing right alongside her husband right now in heaven for our King Jesus.

I could go on and anaylze her books like the English major that I am, complete with quotes, citations, and lengthy footnotes, but I'll leave that for another time. (Maybe I should start reviewing books on here?) I do want to share one of the things God has impressed on my heart over the two short years of being married from reading her books.

We are a ministry family. God's called us to that. As of right now we are praying about the specific things God has called us to as a family in the realms of church planting. But being in ministry as a young wife for the last (almost) two years now, I have had a few of those experiences where some hungry and hurting friend shows up at your door and you need to cook up some lunch for them, or you have to figure out how to accomodate space for 30 or more people in your tiny dollhouse sized home, as well as dinners, and oh yeah, where will the children play? :) It's always chaotic, but these times are looked back upon as fond memories where we did watch Jesus move. I don't remember the stress of the moment, or some ingredient I may have forgotten to ruin the entire dinner.

That being said, God really impressed a specific term ( I guess you could call it that?) upon my heart through Mrs. Scheffer's writings. It's not a term she ever used, it's just something God has called me to cultivate in my home, family, and in ministry. That term or calling He has been teaching me about through my journaling, reading, and many notes that I've taken over the last two years is creating a Jesus culture. I really felt God saying that's what takes places when you open your home for ministry to happen. You are welcoming a group of people from many different cultures and backgrounds to partake in a common thing, that common thing hopefully being a relationship with Jesus. It was my second to last semester in college when I first picked up her books and I really felt God asking me to be open and okay with many different cultures and backgrounds in my life. I'm still not sure what this means today, but God has again and again asked me that. He has also shared with me that I'm not simply opening up a room made out of paint and wood, but a place that needs to be inviting and welcoming for people to want to spend time there and share their hearts. More very recently God spoke to me again about this Jesus culture He is calling me to cultivate, and I took down another note about what He was telling me in my commonplace. Here it is:

"2/15: Jesus culture: creating a culture where people are able to grow, confess sin, repent, and be broken totally without fear of fear or judgment."

Due to lessons learned in my own life, God was showing me how desperately important it is to not be judgemental of people so they feel accepted and able to confess and repent sin. Acceptance was the word God was really placing on my heart. So, today all I know is Jesus is calling me to help encourage this creative culture through art, ministry, homemaking, and openly accepting and loving others in my home. Still not sure what this means for the future, but God is slowly revealing it to me. (I hope this made sense to someone out there.)

How does this relate to Mrs. Schaeffer? Well, she was really all about that. She is all about flowers at the table, for no other show but to display thought and love you put in to the preparation and meal for the people you are breaking bread with. She is all about encouraging loud laughter from little boys as they run around the house banging on pots and pans. Who knows, maybe God blessed you with a little psalmist from your womb and this is his way of glorifying Jesus with music from a young age. Just think about that: walking in to a colorful home where music is constantly playing, goodies are hot from the oven, and you are always, always welcome to come over and share some thoughts and tea. Who wouldn't want to hang out there? :)

So ladies, I highly encourage you to pick up one of her books. :) See what gifts God has given you to cultivate in your family for His glory. For more reading about Mrs. Schaeffer, these are two articles I've loved reading this week: my favorite being I Owe My Home to Edith Schaeffer and then Challies' article.

I also wanted to share this article on being married young. I married at 19, my husband was 20, and we're about to have our first little boy at 21 and 22. I'm learning how truly crazy we are for doing this, but God is so good and He is the one that sustains any marriage, young or old. Believe me, God is asking me to trust Him over and over again each day that it truly is better for me to walk this life beside my husband, than it would be for me to walk it alone (Genesis 2:18). Happy reading, friends!

xoxo

Confessions of an (almost) new mom.

Wow. I finished a role of toilet paper tonight because I've cried so much. About what? Nothing in particular, but then again, just about everything. I watched this adorable documentary about a married Down syndrome couple...aaaand it was all down hill (or up?) from there with the crying, being pregnant, missing my husband, blah, blah, blah. So, may I indulge?

I've felt so selfish lately. Probably the most selfish I've ever felt, or realized I am, in my entire life. I hate even writing this on here, but so much of me has recently longed for it to just be me and B forever. And ever. And ever. And then I feel the baby kick me in the rib. "Too late, mom." I know, I know. Nervous laugh. Or at least, I'm starting to know. The bright side is that parenthood isn't an eternal identity thing, it's just a calling for a period of life. I'm going to be B's wife even after parenthood ends though. :)

Am I terrible? Is it terrible that I just wrote that? I just want to savor one last day trip alone with my husband without thinking about carseats and meal plans and who's watching my kid. I think yesterday morning could very well have been the last morning B and I got to sleep in together for who knows how long. He's been working so much, and we have opposite schedules a lot....so the next eight weeks are pretty much shot. Oh, it's coming so fast.

Well, now that I've showed you guys in words what a terrible mom I'm going to be (haha...it's ok, you can laugh with me), let me remind you that there is HOPE! Not in Lexy, no, not in me. In JESUS. And HIS grace. It's only by His presence in my life that I EVER have the ability to put these feelings aside, except for nights like tonight, nights that are luckily far and few between. Don't put your hope in me as a parent, in B as a dad, in the two of us as a married couple. No, please don't. You'll be let down all too fast. I only hope you can see little slivers of Christ through all of those different aspects of our life and rejoice in the progressive growth in Christ we get to experience.

 On a lighter note, anyone else out there think I look like my own momma in this picture? :)

I am so lame that I can't figure out how to turn this picture to the side. hahahaha I was made for the typewriter, not the computer. It's up and down in my file, but won't upload that way. I was trying to upload it to Facebook all night last night and today, but it just wouldn't for some reason. Oh well. :)

xoxo

Confessions from the most ungrateful person.

Caution: If you get uncomfortable when people share their dark hearts and sin, you probably shouldn't keep reading this. If you have a dark heart and much sin just like me, be encouraged and read on to see a little bit of God's grace in my life.

I ran across this article recently while doing some homework for my Biblical Counseling class. I'm more often than not convicted on so many levels while reading through things I believe will be helpful for "others." I'm learning to always include myself as one of the others.

This particular part of the article really hit home with a recent experience of mine.

"I have had the opportunity to go to India several

times. I stood in New Delhi, Northern India, at one of

the most horrible slums that exist. I stood transfixed for

a moment, looking at a three-year-old boy leaning

against the cot of his infirm mother. He had the distended

stomach and hollow eyes of a starving child,

and his face was fly-infested. I stood there with tears

streaming down my face. It wasn’t just compassion. (I

did want to rescue him and take him home.) But it was

the awareness that he didn’t choose to be where he was,

any more than I chose to be where I was. I was filled

with deeper gratitude than I think I have ever felt in my

life. I was raised in one of the richest countries in the

history of humanity. I was raised in a loving family, and

received a tremendous education. I was raised to come

to Christ early in my life. I was given such glorious

things. You could not explain the difference between

that little boy and me by anything other than the Lord.

I was filled with awesome gratitude for the Lord. I

stood there in that slum, and I felt every complaint I

had ever spoken as if they were a weight on my shoulders."

-Paul David Tripp

I really used to hate going to the city. Towards the end of the day I felt so dirty and tired of walking by homeless person after homeless person silently asking for help through cardboard signs. These feelings would literally alter my mood, making it so I want to flee to what I thought was my perfect home and never return to the ugly city again. These last few trips I really, really struggled with it, specifically when I'd have to find a bathroom. I would feel sheer disguist, maybe even hate, for the "dirty, homesless city people that make this bathroom a filthhole for me to have to use." Yes, my heart is that black. I've never told anyone just how much I hate the dirt and dirty people in the city. Too self-righteous to admit it, I guess.

My heart really felt drawn to this particular section of the article because on this last trip in to the city only by God's grace that I was able to look at the public bathroom differently. In the back of the public library I found an out of the way women's restroom. Anyone who has ever been to any public library knows that's where lots of homeless people spend their free time. Walking in I saw what I assumed (and I guess still don't really know for sure) was a homeless lady, dirty suitcase filled with every single one of her earthly personal items in tow. I don't even think I even have any niceness in and of myself that I was able to just smile at her. I quickly got out of her way and ran into the stall. As I pulled out one of those toilet seat covers (because you HAVE to use those, Lexy, who knows what sicknesses these dirty people might give you...I'm so lame...) God totally revealed the depth of the evil in my heart in viewing these "city people" this way.

"I died for these dirty people and this dirty city, just like I died for you."

I knew in that moment that the ONLY difference between me and that lady standing out at the sink was probably the Holy Spirit living inside of me. I felt a deep shame for my sin and a compassion I know that came only from God to want to move toward these people in the city and love them, not run from them.

In reading this article, I felt like Paul Tripp described feeling when looking at the small child in India. I was so grateful for the God who created both me and His people in the city, and so grateful that He has put me in a place where I can serve them from a true heart of love, His love. God showed me He is the God of Salt Lake City, and ever other city, town, neighborhood, home in the world, however dirty or unruly I think them to be. He is their God, if their hearts awknowledge it or not, and He has called us to go in to these places. Only with God's grace will I learn to love these people better, both in my heart and outwardly with my actions.

xoxo

 

Over a week, and here's why...

I can't breathe. Ok, really, I can obviously breathe since I'm alive and blogging, but I have to concentrate really hard to simply SIT and BREATHE most days. Baby is NOT hanging low anymore. He's climbed up my rib cage and is squishing my lungs. Anyways, this leaves me quite exhausted. Want to pray for me? I could really use some extra energy to get through my work days. I'm supposed to be (and hopefully will be) working up until  my due date, but seriously....who would have thought bending over multiple times a day to clean up all the toys in a classroom could knock someone out for the week. That's how I've been feeling. It makes me physically tired, but its also been making my tummy upset. Maybe because everything is being squished together so I can grab one toy here, another toy there. haha I haven't had energy for much else besides focusing on work and home. So no blogging for the last week.

Anyways, besides that...I drove past Wendy's and Burger King today, all before 11 a.m. and all I could think about were the chocolate frostys they have!! So I had to rush home and make myself a healthier version that I'm quite pleased with. :)

1 banana (not frozen, but I usually use frozen)
a squirt of agave
1 tablespoon coacoa powder
about half a tray of ice cubes (depends on how thick you like yours)
almond milk
leftover coffee from this morning
three strawberries

It's so yummy!! And not too bad for you, and I took care of that sweet craving while filling up my tummy with good fruits. :) When I worked at Starbucks I LOVED making smoothies for my meals with all sorts of weird things in them: I always had spinach in mine, Greek yogurt, almonds, chia seeds, wheat germ, whatever fruits I had on hand, one packet of honey, some dark chocolate chips...I promise, promise, promise you don't taste the spinach. Yes, it looks weird and gross, but they're really sooooo good for you, and quite filling too. Enough about my random smoothies.

I'm at 29 weeks tomorrow. I have some time this afternoon, so I'm going to pack our hospital bag. Advice? What things were you glad you had on hand? What was useless? Some things I've been reading from around the web say its nice to have little gifts for the nurses, as well as mints or something to suck on during labor (since you can't eat...still not sure how I feel about that?), ohh...I can't remember what else. It's still a bit early to think we need to head to the hospital, but you never know I guess. I was planning on doing this last week while B was out of town, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It just seemed way too real that this is all happening. I can't even describe it now that I'm thinking about it. haha

While continuing to think and pray about what God wants this baby's birth to look like, I found this blog post to be very helpful. A friend shared it with me and it's seriously one of the most encouraging things I've read yet. In thinking about diets, natural birth, birth orders, epidurals, essential oils, being vegan, Hypnobirthing, blah, blah, blah....the list could go on, God's continued to put a passage from 1 Timothy on my heart.

"As I urged you when I was going to Macedonia, remain at Ephesus so that you may charge any persons not to teach any different doctrine, nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies, which promote speculations rather than the stewardship from God that is by faith. The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Certain persons, by swerving from these, have wandered away into vain discussions..." 1 Timothy 1:3-6

God really showed me a few weeks back that I was wandering into vain discussions with myself on learning and reading about natural birth. All of the things I listed above really are just myths, things we can never, ever truly be certain about. I will never know for sure if an essential oil can cure my cold. I will never know for sure if I will make it all natural this time. I will never know for sure if an epidural would be perfectly fine for me and my baby. I will never know if I will live longer of this diet or that diet. Only if it's God's will would any of these things happen. I was, and continue, to get caught up in things like these, placing my faith in these things instead of in Christ. Trusting in those other things instead of Him was and is sin (Romans 14:23). His Word is one of the only absolutes I can stand on in faith, and I knew all of my anxiety was coming from trusting in these things I was never meant to trust in. There's been quite a release since He gently showed me that. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm honestly not going to make a decision and stick to it when it comes to this whole giving birth thing because the only person who knows how its going to turn out already has the whole thing planned out for me, and I want to rest in His plan.

Well, off I go to back our hospital bag! :)

xoxo

"What in the world were we thinking?"

In God's grace He must make it so that moms forget the terrible pregnant nights and days like today so they keep having babies. Nights where you literally get maybe two hours of sleep, looking at your husband all night long, sound asleep and comfy, as you think, "What in the world were we thinking?" Days where the sweet guy who plows the tiny road you live on piles all the snow around your car so you have to tip toe around it, balancing on ice with a pregnant belly, snow past your boots, bending in the most painful positions to attempt to get all the snow and ice off your car, failing and decided you have to get on the road anyways or you'll just run out of gas right there in your parking spot. Days where you slam your middle finger in your car door for the first time ever while pumping gas, with nobody around but an old man who you just look at and silently turn to start crying, continuing the whole way to church, to quit just in time to drag yourself inside, and cry to the first friend who asks you how you are. All because of a stupid purple fingernail that is throbbing and on fire, setting off all the other emotional troubles to your morning. Sigh. Yes, days like these. I've done enough crying this morning.

Then the spiritual battle sets in, complete with anxieties, doubts, fears, and insecurities.



Yep, I can hardly see my toes anymore. That happened a whole lot quicker than I thought it would.

As you can probably tell, I'm feeling all sorts of discouraged today, but I know it doesn't just end on that note because God is big enough to handle all my emotions, even these ugly, distrusting, sinful ones. He can handle the fact that I feel so disconnected from everyone in my life these days. He meets me in that loneliness. He can handle that I feel big and pregnant and never pretty. He is what makes me beautiful. He can handle all the physical trials pregnancy puts on your body. He took more pain of the cross than I could imagine. He can handle that I have absolutely NO CLUE why I wanted children, thinking I had anything in me with the ability to raise them right for His glory. He is the perfect parent I will never, ever be. He can handle my fear of labor that arises every night when I can't even get through an hour of sleep without pain. He is the one who designed the female body in such a way to give birth to children, curse or no curse.

"Yet you are he who took me from the womb; you made me trust you at my mother's breasts. On you I was cast from my birth, and from my mother's womb you have been my God." Psalms 22:9&10

God is the one always at work. Even when I'm proud and think it's me. I'm truly going to seek rest in this today, and literally, as I sleep off these silly emotions.

xoxo

*Edited*

This is not a pity party. This is to show that the gospel applies to all those crazy pregnant emotions. And the actual writing of this is my process of walking in that belief.