Psalm 37:4

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I've held on to this verse over the last few years as God has taken me in several different directions with my love of writing. Since I was first learning to write in kindergarten I truly, truly loved the art. I still communicate much better through pen and paper than I do verbally.

My senior year in college I really explored what it looked like to be an artist in the realm of writing, but being a Christian first. I think so many artists identify with their artistic side before identifying with Christ, and I honestly didn't want to do that. As weird as it may sound to some, writing (or art in general) can totally be an idol. It also puts you in a vulnerable spot when you share essays, poems, and thoughts about what God's teaching you. It's a love hate relationship, as anything worth pursuing is. So, when I decided to blog, I really wanted God to do His work through words He gives me. And I've been encouraged to hear some of you over the last year or so talk about how this blog has changed you in some way, usually, hopefully, prayerfully, for good. This blog is meeting God's purposes and plans if it's making my readers more like Him in some way.

With all that to be said, God shows me over and over again that if I continue to delight myself in Him, HE - the Holy Spirit - inspires more words, more creativity, more ideas. God is my muse. His Word fuels my ideas. If anyone would ask me these last few years what my dream job would be, I would say something like, "Being a stay at home mom and getting to write about what God shows me in my life and family."

And guess what? As I've really tried to pursue God's purposes for how writing should fit into my life, and not shying away from using the gifts He's given me, He's dropping the coolest opportunity right in my lap!

Dianne Jago is a blogging friend I've gotten to know over the last year. We were both pregnant at the same time and I know God used both of our blogs in each other's life to encourage and teach one another. As much as I act like I despise technology at times, her blog is one reason I KNOW God uses modern technology to teach others, and one reason I see hope in continuing on with my own blog.

So, this opportunity I'm talking about? I'm getting there. haha

A few weeks ago I got a message from Dianne asking if I'd like to contribute to her new project, Deeply Rooted Magazine. As I read her thoughts and descriptions of what she was feeling God call her to do with this publication, I was bursting with excitement! Seriously, ask B. I don't think I've stopped talking about it since then. ;) haha I was up all night thinking about how cool it is that God allowed me to meet this friend through the internet, form this encouraging relationship, and then get to create art in a way that glorifies HIM through it! It truly is a desire of mine to encourage other women, moms, and wives through God's divine words and what He's taught me, in a vibrant and creative way. And now I get to!

Check out the above link to get more info on the publication. Please be in prayer for us as we work on this project. Pray that God would be shown in each article. Pray that the group of artists working on this publication are about HIS glory, and not our own. Also, pray that God would bring another great, Christian photographer to Utah to work with me, since Gregory Woodman is peacing out pretty soon. :( haha

Again, I am just so thankful that we have a creative God who WANTS us to create out of worship of Him!! So fun!! I hope this encourages some of you to delight in Him through whatever means of creativity He has gifted you with. :)

xoxo

Where have I been?

I've caught a cold most recently. Usually when you catch a cold that means you spend some time laying low. Drinking tea, not leaving the couch, making soups of various kinds...we all have fallen bodies, so everyone knows what this looks like.

On a more spiritual level, I feel like I'm caught a cold. Or maybe my eyes have just finally been opened to the disease, the sin, the sickness I've still got to deal with inside of my heart, and the grace God gives to cure and soothe.

So where have I been? Literally, spiritually, and emotionally?

Laying low. Spending lots of time talking to God. Listening to (and I won't lie, often arguing with) God. Reading the Word. Lots of time at home relearning and learning for the first time about lots of things. Grace. Being a mom. Still being a wife. Being human. Being broken, but made new.

Photo of me taken by my talented husband. :) I thought it was appropriate given the topic. ;)

With all this reflecting in my life comes a very relevant question to think about when you write publically.

How much is too much? What's okay to share for the sake of encouraging others? (which I hope you know is the goal of this blog, to push you towards holiness and Jesus) And what is just too much? How much honesty really is just gossip and breaks trust in relationships? What are the secret things God shows just me? Just my husband and me? Just my family?

These are all things I've been thinking about and trying to sort out, so be patient with me as I go. :)

I remember pondering this question about honesty in a memoir writing class I took in college. I've since seen other bloggers happen upon the same struggle. And here I am. Silent out of fear? Or respect? I'm still not sure. Yet again, like every single day these days, I find myself falling short of being able to find the answer to this question, among many others. I find my words falling short as I realize how little answers I actually have to things. But God's got something in the works. :) Like He always does.

I think He's providing an outlet for me to share with gentle honesty many of these things in an even more public way. A fellow blogger friend of mine, Dianne, has asked me to be a part of a collaborative team for a project she feels like God has been calling her to create. I don't want to give too many details just yet, but I'm excited that God is opening up yet another outlet for me to write and share the things He's teaching me.

Sigh.

With all of this to be say, pray for me as I'm in a deeeeep, but gooood season of reflecting. :)

xoxo

Ode to the mundane.

"Set your minds on things that are above, and not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

 

Colossians 3:2-3

 

 



This verse has popped into my head and study tons this week. (Someone must be trying to get my attention...) I'm having one problem with it. Maybe you can relate?

How in the world am I supposed to set my mind on things above when there's a pile of dirty sheets that need to be cleaned? And last night's dinner is still sitting on the stove? When my little guy can't breathe because his  fallen body has given him a stuffy nose? When my charming dollhouse grows smaller and smaller, and all of my baby's accoutrements grow bigger and bigger? When dinner time is just around the corner and the race begins to get my boys fed?

I thought about this as I snuggled Ari on our bare bed this afternoon. I don't know the answer and please don't tell me you do because I know you really don't. Not on most days, at least. It's just takes faith, I guess. Trusting and believe in God's grace as constantly remaking all things new until the end. But if all of His goodness is so glorious, why does my little world seem so drab? Maybe it's just one of those days. Or lives. Maybe it's me. Or maybe that really is why we long for heaven. Because this world is drab and lacking to meet our real needs. Our needs that go much deeper than clean clothes and yummy dinners.

It won't be long. I belong somewhere past the setting sun.
-Switchfoot

xoxo

God's sovereignty over our hormones.

It's getting up in the 80's this weekend. And fun pregnancy hormones really crank up the sweat glands.

 

 

70 feels like 90 when you're pregnant. I'm very, very thankful for the maternity shorts a friend of mine passed along. ;)

 

 

There's our boy! I still don't fully understand it, how life is going to change and look. Don't know if I will until he's actually here. You'd think maybe it would have sunk in by now...since I'm between 38 and 39 weeks....and ya know, he could technically decide to move in (as an 18 year house guest) at anytime.

 

You know what people failed to mention about nesting? The terrible, hormonal, don't-want-to-share-my-hubby-or-baby-with-anyone nesting that sets in. The territorial madness and paranoia that take over. I think it's nesting on hormonal steroids. haha That's where all the random crying comes in to play being pregnant this far along. I will share a bit of honesty: I've been scared out of my mind of having postpartum for a while now. Many months. And many long nights I've been up in staggering fear thinking about it. I've been fearing my husband ever liking me after this baby is born, ever wanting to stick around to be with us, ever feeling like a normal human again, ever....ya know, the list goes on and on, however logical or (very often) NOT logical. Us pregnant people do understand that, ya know. We aren't logical. We know that. But you still can't help the feelings that occur. So, what do you do?

 

God's Word is always a good place to turn. :) I seriously was so encouraged by it this week and experienced the power it has in my life. I feel like people have just been telling me these ups and downs are part of hormones and you have to deal with it, in part aiding me in jusitifying totally sinful behaviors. "I can be mad all night and ruin everything because I'm hungry and pregnant and can't control my hormones and my husband rushed me out of the house...so let me ruin the whole plan for everyone. Everyone pays because my silly husband knocked me up!" Nope.

 

"...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

 

God is sovereign and in control of my hormones. My hormones do not control me. I do not have to fear because God has given me a spirit of power. I can take my thoughts captive and meditate on His truth.

 

Freeing. This truth quickly dried up tears in the middle of what could have been a (totally justified...but we won't go there) hysterical crying fit. And it has been helping me all week when my thoughts go towards the dark, fear filled corners of my mind.

 

So ladies, any of you ladies of any age and in any particular chapter of life, don't give in to the lie that your hormones have the final say. Because they don't. God does. He always has and always will. He is the creator of our bodies, including our hormones, and I totally, totally believe He has the power to intervene when things get emotionally crazy in our minds and hearts because of physical issues.

 

Also, did you notice the words self-control? There's some responsibility right there. We don't get a justified bad mood day, week, year, or life because our hormones are out of balance. God provides grace for that. Take it. And He will help you with the responsibilities He's called us to.

 

Next time you start to create an entire backstory as to why you have every right to be bitter towards your husband all night or a co-worker, sibling, whoever your "hormones" choose as their victim, remember: God has given us a spirit of self-control. I really say this in love, as I've been experiencing the freedom from my sinful emotions these last few days, whether I always look it on the outside or not, and I want you to experience that freedom too. I can go out on what could be our last date before the baby comes with my husband tonight without feeling angry or totally scared that we will never, EVER be able to do such a thing again. And who knows, maybe we won't. But God still reigns and I don't have to ruin what could be my last date ever with my gorgeous hubby. ;)

 

xoxo



Longings.

There has been so much going on in my life and the lives of those around me lately that I can't help but long for heaven a little more and watch others do the same.

 

 

My super sweet Secret Sister got this book for me last Sunday. I've felt blessed (spoiled) all week. I had almost an entire day to myself to hang out at a coffee shop and drink chais on one of the coldest days this week, some awesome prayer time with a good, good friend, jumping in to this book, and then my very first massage! Anyways, I've been meditating on a prayer from this book all week. God is so good and I've seen Him very present in my every day this week.

 

 

Longings after God

My dear Lord, I can but tell Thee that Thou knowest I long for nothing but Thyself, nothing but holiness, nothing but union with Thy will. Thou hast given me these desires, and thou alone canst give me the thing desired. My soul longs for communion with Thee, for mortification of indwelling corruption, especially spiritual pride. How precious it is to have a tender sense and clear apprehension of the mystery of godliness, of true holiness! What a blessedness to be like Thee as much as it is possible for a creature to be like its creator! Lord, give me more of Thy likeness; enlarge my soul to contain fullness of holiness; engage me to live more for Thee. Help me to be less pleased with my spiritual experiences, and when I feel at ease after sweet communings, teach me it is far too little I know and do. Blessed Lord, let me climb up near to Thee, and love, and long, and plead, and wrestle with Thee, and pant for deliverance from the body of sin, for my heart is wandering and lifeless, and my soul mourns to think it should ever lose sight of its beloved. Wrap my life in divine love, and keep me ever desiring Thee, always humble and resigned to Thy will, more fixed on Thyself, that I may be more fitted for doing and-suffering. 

We really can't experience God and stay the same. He has to enlarge our souls for holiness to take root. That's been a prayer of mine this week, and it reminded me of Psalms 119 (one of my absolute favorite Psalms on the Word of God!).

"I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!" Psalm 119:32

God must do some work in us to give us the ability to follow His commands. This work is the enlarging of our hearts, our weak, tiny, Grinch-like hearts.

So, thank you to my Secret Sister, whoever you are! If you see this, you totally helped encourage me in my prayer life this week. :)

xoxo

"Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"

Note: This post is heavy on God's Word today. He has so many better things to say than I do, so I've been soaking it up this week. Hope it encourages someone else out there.

 

Tough question, Job. Very tough question. One I've been wrestling with for over a week now as I've watched very close friends grieve.

A verse that kept coming to my mind was Isaiah 42:2.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall now overwhelm you..."

It rained a lot last week, which can alter my mood any day, but specifically on the days when all I seem to do is question. I had coffee with a friend this week, and afterwards she reminded me of a poem I wrote a while ago.

The First Rain: 40 Days of Grieving 

Grief,

Caused by sounds, screams,

Others out there,

With their deaf hearts and ears,

Their living breath almost gone,

And you, in here.  

Trust, it is His reign. 

Precipitation, pounding, drowning,

Punishment upon punishment.

Shouts distance, fade

Judgment has won

Yet doubt appears:

Is justice this mysterious? 

Trust, it is His reign.

 

*Written spring of 2012

As you can see, there was lots of water on my mind this last week. Thank God for the warmth and sunshine we've had the last few days, especially today. When my daisy sprouted this week, it reminded me of Isaiah again, and then something else...

Not only does it take sunlight for growth in plants, but it takes lots and lots of water. The directions for these window plants actually say, "water generously." Wow. Do we think God is being generous to us when He allows the rainwaters to fall in our life, to the point where we feel like we're drowning in rivers of injustice? Do we trust He is reigning when He brings tumultuous downpour?

Then I read this passage this morning from Psalm 43:3-5:

"Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, o God, my God.

Why are you downcast, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."

The note I sprawled in the margin beside this passage in my Bible was as follows:

"God can take our dark questions about life. He isn't scared of them. His response is sending out His light and truth to lead us in the darkness."

I can say I've seen God's Word truly lead my friends through darkness this week. God is the best leader ever. That's weird for me even to write now or think about, but it's true. He has the best strategy anyone could have as a leader: sending light and truth to us in our darkness. He sent Jesus. He sends His Holy Spirit. He uses His Word to guide us through fear.

God is SO big and powerful that He doesn't fear us questioning Him. He allows the rainwaters, rivers, and darkness to consume us, so He can lead us in His marvelous light, proving He alond is sufficient. It is a lie Satan wants us to believe when we think, out of not wanting to hurt God's feelings or whatever, we can't go to God with our deepest questions and doubts. Satan wants to stop open communication and block a venue for God to be able to prove Himself faithful to us. Don't let that happen. Be truthful with God so He can lead you in His truth.

Anyways, there are all of my ramblings and thoughts I just know you've been missing for the last week. ;) I'm praying God speaks to you somehow through it. Thanks for letting me share, readers!

xoxo

In response to the Boston bombing: What am I called to do?

There are two things I know God has not given me a mind for: money and politics.

It truly is embarrassing how little I know about politics, especially coming from a military family. Terrorism and war have always been close to home, literally. We were stationed in D.C. when September 11th happened. We had friends die at the Pentagon. My dad has been deployed a couple of times. I can remember being curled up in a warm blanket in the back of one of my parent's friend's trucks on the flight line in New Mexico as we watched the stealths take off for the mission that would result in the first bomb being dropped on Saddam Hussein's palace. My friend's dad was the pilot who dropped the bomb. At one point, the flag that flew on that mission with the pilots was actually in my dad's possession.

I say that so you know I'm not disconnecting myself from everything that happened today. As I write this and process what I feel called to do in this time I feel I need to inform myself with God's word in light of the perspectives I grew up with. Since I really don't grasp politics like many around me do, I fall back on the one truth I can stand on.

First off, we've all seen the many comments about today. They're the same things people say when any tragedy happens. "The world is so screwed up." "People are evil." "Why are people so broken?" "Where is God? And why does He let this stuff happen?"

I am in no way about to tackle that huge topic of God being in control over all things and why the problem of evil exists (because that's another thing God hasn't really given me a mind for...philosophy. If you want details on that stuff, you should have coffee with my hubby. He gets it much better than I do.) I do want to share the verse God put on my heart as soon as I logged on to Facebook this afternoon and saw all the comments.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

The Lord is close...He is near. He saves the crushed.

These are two things everyone needs to remember today. I sometimes wonder if days like today are when we allow God nearest to us as a country.

It was a very unusual train of thought for me to have, but after posting that verse my thoughts immediately turned towards the President and all the stress he's probably under today. I felt a heavy burden for him and prayed for him.

And here's where I may get a little controversial.

I took this note down in my commonplace this year on the 21st of January, the day of the inauguration.

"Thinking of King Darius and Artaxerxes in Ezra and today's inauguration makes me wonder what would happen if we really prayed for our President and government leaders like we're called to. Would they want and support, even provide for our religious freedoms and practices like they did in the book of Ezra? True, I have no faith in the President apart from God, who turns the hearts of kings..."

These thoughts quickly returned to me again today as I realized the President will probably get tons of flack over the next few weeks and months about any decisions made regarding today. Any President is in the spotlight for these sort of critiques, not just the current one. I can't even begin to imagine being in the place where I have an entire country to steward. So, what am I called to do in light of today's events, evil in this country and world, and a President and government leadership that I may or may not agree with?

"First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings (presidents) and all who are in high positions..." 1 Timothy 2:1&2

Maybe I'm dumb, but it's that simple for me. I don't have to pick a political side to support to do this. I'm just called to pray and be thankful for the leadership God has placed over me in this country. Is that a challenge for you? It is for me. Be thankful? What does that even look like? I have no clue, but God calls me to it, so I believe He will show me what that looks like. The first thing I want to do is cast judgment, which is the exact opposite of what God calls us to do (Matthew 7:1). Vengeance and judgment belong to the Lord alone (Romans 12:19). But do I believe this enough to humbly lay down my political beliefs and trade them in for the belief that God has called me to pray for my leaders?

If you're feeling like that is sooooo not going to happen, ask God for help. He's calling you to it. He can provide for you to do it. Pray for the President and all his decision making teams as well as the government in Boston and Massachusetts and all the other government leaders who will be involved in this aftermath.

Again, my prayers are with those involved in today's tragic events and the leaders who are making decisions on how to deal with them. God is most near to them now.

xoxo

P.S. Please note that I am in no way claiming to be a theologian or a political genius. I just wanted to share some of God's truth that was laid on my heart. You can take God's Word to the bank, even if you forget every single one of my opinions or comments, and please do. haha

Confessions from the most ungrateful person.

Caution: If you get uncomfortable when people share their dark hearts and sin, you probably shouldn't keep reading this. If you have a dark heart and much sin just like me, be encouraged and read on to see a little bit of God's grace in my life.

I ran across this article recently while doing some homework for my Biblical Counseling class. I'm more often than not convicted on so many levels while reading through things I believe will be helpful for "others." I'm learning to always include myself as one of the others.

This particular part of the article really hit home with a recent experience of mine.

"I have had the opportunity to go to India several

times. I stood in New Delhi, Northern India, at one of

the most horrible slums that exist. I stood transfixed for

a moment, looking at a three-year-old boy leaning

against the cot of his infirm mother. He had the distended

stomach and hollow eyes of a starving child,

and his face was fly-infested. I stood there with tears

streaming down my face. It wasn’t just compassion. (I

did want to rescue him and take him home.) But it was

the awareness that he didn’t choose to be where he was,

any more than I chose to be where I was. I was filled

with deeper gratitude than I think I have ever felt in my

life. I was raised in one of the richest countries in the

history of humanity. I was raised in a loving family, and

received a tremendous education. I was raised to come

to Christ early in my life. I was given such glorious

things. You could not explain the difference between

that little boy and me by anything other than the Lord.

I was filled with awesome gratitude for the Lord. I

stood there in that slum, and I felt every complaint I

had ever spoken as if they were a weight on my shoulders."

-Paul David Tripp

I really used to hate going to the city. Towards the end of the day I felt so dirty and tired of walking by homeless person after homeless person silently asking for help through cardboard signs. These feelings would literally alter my mood, making it so I want to flee to what I thought was my perfect home and never return to the ugly city again. These last few trips I really, really struggled with it, specifically when I'd have to find a bathroom. I would feel sheer disguist, maybe even hate, for the "dirty, homesless city people that make this bathroom a filthhole for me to have to use." Yes, my heart is that black. I've never told anyone just how much I hate the dirt and dirty people in the city. Too self-righteous to admit it, I guess.

My heart really felt drawn to this particular section of the article because on this last trip in to the city only by God's grace that I was able to look at the public bathroom differently. In the back of the public library I found an out of the way women's restroom. Anyone who has ever been to any public library knows that's where lots of homeless people spend their free time. Walking in I saw what I assumed (and I guess still don't really know for sure) was a homeless lady, dirty suitcase filled with every single one of her earthly personal items in tow. I don't even think I even have any niceness in and of myself that I was able to just smile at her. I quickly got out of her way and ran into the stall. As I pulled out one of those toilet seat covers (because you HAVE to use those, Lexy, who knows what sicknesses these dirty people might give you...I'm so lame...) God totally revealed the depth of the evil in my heart in viewing these "city people" this way.

"I died for these dirty people and this dirty city, just like I died for you."

I knew in that moment that the ONLY difference between me and that lady standing out at the sink was probably the Holy Spirit living inside of me. I felt a deep shame for my sin and a compassion I know that came only from God to want to move toward these people in the city and love them, not run from them.

In reading this article, I felt like Paul Tripp described feeling when looking at the small child in India. I was so grateful for the God who created both me and His people in the city, and so grateful that He has put me in a place where I can serve them from a true heart of love, His love. God showed me He is the God of Salt Lake City, and ever other city, town, neighborhood, home in the world, however dirty or unruly I think them to be. He is their God, if their hearts awknowledge it or not, and He has called us to go in to these places. Only with God's grace will I learn to love these people better, both in my heart and outwardly with my actions.

xoxo

 

Over a week, and here's why...

I can't breathe. Ok, really, I can obviously breathe since I'm alive and blogging, but I have to concentrate really hard to simply SIT and BREATHE most days. Baby is NOT hanging low anymore. He's climbed up my rib cage and is squishing my lungs. Anyways, this leaves me quite exhausted. Want to pray for me? I could really use some extra energy to get through my work days. I'm supposed to be (and hopefully will be) working up until  my due date, but seriously....who would have thought bending over multiple times a day to clean up all the toys in a classroom could knock someone out for the week. That's how I've been feeling. It makes me physically tired, but its also been making my tummy upset. Maybe because everything is being squished together so I can grab one toy here, another toy there. haha I haven't had energy for much else besides focusing on work and home. So no blogging for the last week.

Anyways, besides that...I drove past Wendy's and Burger King today, all before 11 a.m. and all I could think about were the chocolate frostys they have!! So I had to rush home and make myself a healthier version that I'm quite pleased with. :)

1 banana (not frozen, but I usually use frozen)
a squirt of agave
1 tablespoon coacoa powder
about half a tray of ice cubes (depends on how thick you like yours)
almond milk
leftover coffee from this morning
three strawberries

It's so yummy!! And not too bad for you, and I took care of that sweet craving while filling up my tummy with good fruits. :) When I worked at Starbucks I LOVED making smoothies for my meals with all sorts of weird things in them: I always had spinach in mine, Greek yogurt, almonds, chia seeds, wheat germ, whatever fruits I had on hand, one packet of honey, some dark chocolate chips...I promise, promise, promise you don't taste the spinach. Yes, it looks weird and gross, but they're really sooooo good for you, and quite filling too. Enough about my random smoothies.

I'm at 29 weeks tomorrow. I have some time this afternoon, so I'm going to pack our hospital bag. Advice? What things were you glad you had on hand? What was useless? Some things I've been reading from around the web say its nice to have little gifts for the nurses, as well as mints or something to suck on during labor (since you can't eat...still not sure how I feel about that?), ohh...I can't remember what else. It's still a bit early to think we need to head to the hospital, but you never know I guess. I was planning on doing this last week while B was out of town, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It just seemed way too real that this is all happening. I can't even describe it now that I'm thinking about it. haha

While continuing to think and pray about what God wants this baby's birth to look like, I found this blog post to be very helpful. A friend shared it with me and it's seriously one of the most encouraging things I've read yet. In thinking about diets, natural birth, birth orders, epidurals, essential oils, being vegan, Hypnobirthing, blah, blah, blah....the list could go on, God's continued to put a passage from 1 Timothy on my heart.

"As I urged you when I was going to Macedonia, remain at Ephesus so that you may charge any persons not to teach any different doctrine, nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies, which promote speculations rather than the stewardship from God that is by faith. The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Certain persons, by swerving from these, have wandered away into vain discussions..." 1 Timothy 1:3-6

God really showed me a few weeks back that I was wandering into vain discussions with myself on learning and reading about natural birth. All of the things I listed above really are just myths, things we can never, ever truly be certain about. I will never know for sure if an essential oil can cure my cold. I will never know for sure if I will make it all natural this time. I will never know for sure if an epidural would be perfectly fine for me and my baby. I will never know if I will live longer of this diet or that diet. Only if it's God's will would any of these things happen. I was, and continue, to get caught up in things like these, placing my faith in these things instead of in Christ. Trusting in those other things instead of Him was and is sin (Romans 14:23). His Word is one of the only absolutes I can stand on in faith, and I knew all of my anxiety was coming from trusting in these things I was never meant to trust in. There's been quite a release since He gently showed me that. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm honestly not going to make a decision and stick to it when it comes to this whole giving birth thing because the only person who knows how its going to turn out already has the whole thing planned out for me, and I want to rest in His plan.

Well, off I go to back our hospital bag! :)

xoxo

"What in the world were we thinking?"

In God's grace He must make it so that moms forget the terrible pregnant nights and days like today so they keep having babies. Nights where you literally get maybe two hours of sleep, looking at your husband all night long, sound asleep and comfy, as you think, "What in the world were we thinking?" Days where the sweet guy who plows the tiny road you live on piles all the snow around your car so you have to tip toe around it, balancing on ice with a pregnant belly, snow past your boots, bending in the most painful positions to attempt to get all the snow and ice off your car, failing and decided you have to get on the road anyways or you'll just run out of gas right there in your parking spot. Days where you slam your middle finger in your car door for the first time ever while pumping gas, with nobody around but an old man who you just look at and silently turn to start crying, continuing the whole way to church, to quit just in time to drag yourself inside, and cry to the first friend who asks you how you are. All because of a stupid purple fingernail that is throbbing and on fire, setting off all the other emotional troubles to your morning. Sigh. Yes, days like these. I've done enough crying this morning.

Then the spiritual battle sets in, complete with anxieties, doubts, fears, and insecurities.



Yep, I can hardly see my toes anymore. That happened a whole lot quicker than I thought it would.

As you can probably tell, I'm feeling all sorts of discouraged today, but I know it doesn't just end on that note because God is big enough to handle all my emotions, even these ugly, distrusting, sinful ones. He can handle the fact that I feel so disconnected from everyone in my life these days. He meets me in that loneliness. He can handle that I feel big and pregnant and never pretty. He is what makes me beautiful. He can handle all the physical trials pregnancy puts on your body. He took more pain of the cross than I could imagine. He can handle that I have absolutely NO CLUE why I wanted children, thinking I had anything in me with the ability to raise them right for His glory. He is the perfect parent I will never, ever be. He can handle my fear of labor that arises every night when I can't even get through an hour of sleep without pain. He is the one who designed the female body in such a way to give birth to children, curse or no curse.

"Yet you are he who took me from the womb; you made me trust you at my mother's breasts. On you I was cast from my birth, and from my mother's womb you have been my God." Psalms 22:9&10

God is the one always at work. Even when I'm proud and think it's me. I'm truly going to seek rest in this today, and literally, as I sleep off these silly emotions.

xoxo

*Edited*

This is not a pity party. This is to show that the gospel applies to all those crazy pregnant emotions. And the actual writing of this is my process of walking in that belief.